There's Something Inside Me That Pulls Beneath The Surface, Consuming...Confusing.

People are liars, cheaters and users. They will do ANYTHING to you to get what they want. Some may call it evil but I have learned to call it the Human Condition. Some of us are just more aware of how to reign our "condition" in and back out again.
I have a voice in the back of my head, it's like a face that I hold inside, that awakes when I close my eyes, watches every time you lie, and laughs every time I fall...it watches everything.
Deflecting is one of the most interesting things to me. Some people can use communication and deflect the shit out of their emotions or answers or issues.
I used to get angry when I would see people use this devious tool of avoidance, but now I laugh. The less I hear, the less you'll say...you'll find that out anyway. One of the reasons I laugh is because these people are either so stupid they don't realize they are saying MORE without their words or they are just so stupid they think they are smarter than EVERYONE else. One of my favorites is when you ask someone something and they give you an "alternate" answer.
The lies are in so much abundance that sometimes I am actually surprised. I am not surprised that people lie, because that is a given, but I am surprised of the voluminous amounts of lying that just comes so elegantly out of their mouths.
You see, lying is not just telling a blatant untruth, it is ANYTHING that is not the complete and utter truth. If you are not divulging every emotion you have about someone or something, you are lying. What people do not realize is that EVEN when they do not say all these things their TRUE emotions are apparent to anyone who is not below stupidity on some level. They may not realize what they are seeing or experiencing from the other person, but it is there and it is causing tension.
Forfeit the game, before somebody else takes you out and puts your name to shame. Cover up your face because you can't run the race, the pace is simply is too fast...you just won't last.
Imagine one day waking up and no matter what you said, everyone could see what you were really feeling. Practice that for just one hour. How embarrassed would you be to have to face all that truth at once?
In the last two weeks, I have been privy to some very interesting situations...such is my life. Having said that, I think I realize something has to give. Something has to change. I need to push the button. Some door is open somewhere in this house that shouldn't be and it needs to close so the correct one can open and let some fresh air in.
Let the countdown begin...
All I know is, time is a valuable thing. You can watch it fly by as the pendulum swings, watch it count down to the end of the day, the clock ticks life away...it’s so unreal. I refuse to watch the time go right out the window, I'm trying to hold on. I will NOT waste it all just to watch you go...
AGAIN.

Questions Of Science...Science And Progress Do Not Speak As Loud As My Heart

The rush was unbelievable.  Drugs are not even that good.
I was dizzy, unfounded, ungrounded, tipped and lost in what
was the sweetest taste of salty oblivion.  The Further I
slipped into the abyss the more the emotions began to escape me.
First they were tiny lightning bolts then they were impossible to
ignore and body jolting.
Wait.  Stop.  Cry.  Feel.  Love.  Fear.  Paranoia.  Rush.
WOW.
I am a changed woman.  My heart is talking louder than my head for
the first time in my life, or is it my head?  Something is bracing me.
Something is making sure I do not leap into the unknown without a safety net.
Who am I and what did I do with myself?
WOW.
Don't take my hand into a room without an unmarked door.
I want to know what's inside. I am too old for surprises.
I don't want to take the chance between door two or door
three.  Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions, lets go back to the start.
Running in circles, Coming up in tails...heads on a science apart.

A Rush Of Blood To The Head

What the FUCK am I doing? I SAID,
What
The
Fuck
Am
I
Doing?
I feel like I should be dedicating an entire book or song or epic movie to this emotion right now. A blog does not do it justice. So please forgive me now for the voluminous amounts of vulgarity I am about to use in this blog.
Why oh why? Why oh fucking why? What on earth is going on in my heart? The pattern is obvious as obvious gets. It just don't don't stop. I want to tear it up. I want to make it stop.

I used to be so definite. Every time I give, I am let down. Every MOTHER FUCKING TIME. I'm going to buy this place and burn it down. I'm going to put it six feet underground.
It takes a lot of love. It takes a lot of LOVE, my friend to keep your heart from freezing.

Am I the one who is confused? How can that be? I know this all ready. Too many things seem coincidental. Wants do not equal action. Selfishness. This quality is alive. Honesty. This is dead. DEAD fucking dead. No one says what they mean, no one says what they want, no one say anything any more. Where did all the real people go? Just when I think I have met someone who values the same things as I, I am once again let down. I am once again fooled. I am wondering if I will ever desensitized by all the hate and anger and pain in the world. I wonder how I have not become by all the hate, anger and pain that is just in me. Maybe it isn't me. Maybe I truly don't absorb it. Maybe I should thank the good Lord for that great gift. Thank you, Lord.

God, give me the strength to get through tomorrow because today sucked. It truly did. Last night I went to sleep with visions in my head and now, Christmas is just a fantasy of sugar plums and no Santa Claus. God grant me Serenity. Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Bless me with Courage. Courage to change the things I can. Grant me Wisdom. Wisdom to know the difference. Good night Vietnam. Good fucking night.
I'm going to buy this place, and burn it down, that's what I said...blame it upon a rush of blood to the head.

God Gave Me Style And Gave Me Grace, Guod Put A Smile Upon My Face

I usually do not respond like this. It has never been this controlled and healthy for me before. The excited and happy is there but the sanity is as well. I am giddy and I can see straight. I am dizzy and I am focused. I want but I can wait. I desire VERY much but I know there will be a time. I desire VERY much but I am not afraid to say there is a time. I want to let go and give it all but I am not afraid to pull it all in because I know it is OK. This is healthy. This is what the doctor ordered. And the best part is I am not scared that even though this is perfect, it may not be "it"...I am OK with that. Because it just feels "that" good that I can trust to evolve and let the chips fall where they may.
EGO-MANIACAL

Life Isn't That Simple. It Has Nothing To Do With Either Fear Or Love.

Hate or Love? Fear or Love? If life isn't that simple, then what is driving all of us? Why did he look at me that way? Why did she say that? Why didn't he come back? Why did they just leave like that? Why are people becoming murderers more frequently? Most of the time there is something else in those words. They are not just straight words anymore. There is always an underlying meaning. Desire? No. Desire is dead. Passion? I am beginning to wonder if it ever really existed. Obsession? Possibly, but not the kind I am thinking of. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra. Love? Can we obtain it? Do we need it? Does any one have it? Can we show it? Where is it? Is love on a retreat? War? We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And some of us are very, very pissed off. Fear? We have nothing to fear but fear itself. It is all a mind game. What you own will end up owning you. You can talk until you are blue in the face but essentially you are just blowing air. Show me something I don't know. Do something. Prove something. Give something. Start something. Don't be a repetitious bastard. Don't beat a dead horse. Don't follow in someone else's footsteps, make your own. I am so tired of people telling me shit I already know. I am so tired of people telling me I cannot do something or telling me they are scared to do something. I am so tired of sad people. I am so tired of depressing people. I am so tired of liars. Say what you feel. Don't do a dance around a bush because I ain't got time for that shit. I have a lot to do and dancing around bushes ain't one of them. If you think I won't like it, tough shit for me, I will get over it...I always do. Same thing goes for everyone else you know. If you feel something, get it out. Do not let it come out in something else, that is just cowardly. Oh ya...Live...LOVE and Laugh gawd damn it...laugh your ass off.

You Left A Stain On Every One Of My Good Days

It is the most powerful pull. The crush of a thousand solar systems. The swallowing of the Pacific Ocean. It is devouring me. I am stronger than you know...I have to let you go. You drove me to the fire and left me there to burn. I keep running away thinking I am finally getting away...I take a break to look back and it is as if I never started running. How can you do that? Which fingers are you using? Words become en-amorous and I am compounded by possibility that isn't there but somehow is. I have to get out of here. The walls are closing in on me and I can't breathe. I've got a disease deep inside of me. You're like a disease deep inside of me. You make me feel uneasy. I want to crawl out of my skin and scream. Turn and walk away. Turn as if you never laid eyes on me. Like we never existed in the same time and space. No more stains.