Fields Of Possibility...What It Looks Like.

I never write when I am happy...I am changing that. Here it is. Things are changing. Smile.

When The Music Stops...

I had a thought the other day when I took a moment to read my own blog from the potential point of view of another...but I stopped and so did the music, the music that plays when you think everything in this life is perfect or is a fairy tale or a pretty lie. At first I was slightly embarrassed to think of someone reading all these dark thoughts of mine, then I was sad and then I was angry...THEN I was proud. I am proud because a lot of you motherfuckers do not have the balls that I have to do what I do. Additionally, a lot of you do not have the knowledge, life-experience or intelligence that I do. With that gift has come A SHIT LOAD of ghosts to deal with. The way I cope is to write about it. Anyone who knows me, knows I am a happy, goofy, silly, laid back hippy-like woman. Everything you read on here is talent and therapy.
My brother said something to me the other day that made me think. He said, "Don't judge me".

To my brother, "I would never judge you, I have no place to...I SEE YOU."

To people who read this and try to make a judgment...

Movies... reality, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference...we as entertainers have a responsibility.
If I were to die murdered in cold blood tomorrow, would you feel sorrow or show love, or would it matter? There is way too much at stake for me to be fake, there is too much on my plate and I have come too far to turn and walk away and not take every chance to say what I have to say.
What the fuck do you take me for? A joke? You must be smoking crack.
I'm trying-a smack this "one" out of the park, with the "five-thousand mark".
It is crazy, the way you act, when you confuse fantasy with real life...when the music stops.

The Ghosts Of Christmas And All Holidays I Will Never Have, Past...

Tonight, for a moment...I slipped into your pocket. I heard your laugh. I missed the good part. I've talked myself into sanity all day. I've told myself that it ain't no big thing. I picked that phone up and down at least five times.

A warning sign. I started looking for excuses and then the bubble burst. My wall came tumbling down. Your voice. Come on in. The truth is, I miss you. I miss you so.

I was fine. My days were flying by. I do not know what happened by there were cracks. A little one here and then a little one there. You came back to haunt me and I realized you were an island and I passed you by. You were an island to discover. The sad part is I am can't be your Columbus. It is so hard to let go.

I want to tell you what state I'm in. I want to tell you in my loudest tones. But I have to hold up this warning sign. I have to remind myself. That even though I know my truth is I miss you and I miss you so...I'm tired, and I have to let you go.

There are warning signs telling me that it is not safe to crawl back into your open arms.

I can't hope it is ok anymore. You've held up the warning signs for me, in your loudest tones. Your truths say you don't miss me, you really don't miss me and you have let me go.

How a phone call can haunt me. So stupid of me to think it could just be a simple talk between two friends. It will never be.

I will always hear you. I will always see you...even when I close my eyes and try to see past you, I will see you.

I (still) SEE YOU.

My Ghost Of Every Christmas And All Holidays Past I Will Never Have, Past

Dedicated to MAB

All In All, You're Just Another Brick In the Wall

It has become harder and harder for me to blog. I just do not see the reason for talking or expressing myself too much anymore. If you just don't get it, fuck you. If I have to explain it or myself to you, fuck you again. I know it is probably not the healthiest thing but I really do not give a shit.
I am so tired. No one cares and so I have run out of reasons to care. There is only one reason I have left to care and if you know me you know what that reason is. MAEGAN.
I have become so tired of being the person that everyone sees as that person that I have just lost interest in caring. It has come from a long line of no one giving a shit.
No one that knows me-knows me. Not one person, except MAEGAN. No one knows how smart I am. My mom used to know. No one believes in anything I do. People used to call me the child prodigy and I used to hate it. People show a lot of pity for me when they find out what all the horrible things that happened to me when I was a kid, and I hate that. What I hate more than anything is that NO ONE in my life takes the time to really know me.
Lately, on a daily basis I find more to hate then I find to love. It used to be different. I have run out of reasons. I have run out of verbage.
I like this guy. He knows. Nothing. Now? Sounds familiar doesn't it?
I feel like I know this option. The ghosts are crawling on our skin. Can't undo what has been done. I feel like at any moment I could just cross to the other side. I feel as if I am on my way there...moments from the edge.
How can I pull anyone up on dry land when all I have is sinking sand. The trick ain't worth the time it buys. I'm sick of hearing my own lies. Loves a raven when it flies. Meet me on the other side?
It is ONE of the reasons why I love Supernatural so much. Yes, people...make your fun. But, death, hell, demons...these are real to me. These are intense. These things...for me...are what I can feel. When I see a man on a screen feel something as deep as these things...I feel in return.
Life is empty for me. I see one person after another who offers nothing but lie after lie. Empty after empty. Vastness after vastness of nothingness. The void inside of me is so deep. No one knows. People have come and gone and taken their piece and no one has bothered to leave anything behind.
He always want to know why I am so mad, but he never takes the time to see or notice the hole he has left. He only sees the anger he has left behind. I don't have the space to explain to him what he has done because he doesn't have the heart to understand. I see right through him. The minute I realized what he saw when he looked at me, I knew anytime was wasted time. It is sad really. I just hope it does not pass to my baby. It takes a lot of love these days to keep your heart from freezing.
You can't change the way people see you. It sucks really. They wear glasses. They see what they want to see. And when they make their judgment call, it sticks. No matter what. It just don't stop. Unless you have love. Love is a valiant virtue. Not too many people have it. You don't see it too often these days either. There is so much hate that Love is just hidden in between the cracks of it all.
And I am the one with no soul. One above and one below.