There I was, on a mission. I had a goal, no other thing in mind. I am tired. I could just love to curl up in a blanket and go to sleep, but I HAD A MISSION. I had a goal of expression of love and by God I was going to do it.
Then there was that thing that always happens. That thing that stops me and says, "Just what do you think you are doing??" It slapped me hard in the face. I looked at it hard and good. I tried to not pay too much attention to it. I had a goal. But it just stared me in the face. The weight became heavier and heavier AND HEAVIER a n d h e a v i e r A- N -D H-E-A-V-I-E-R...
I saw their name. I saw all their faces. I saw all their faces except mine. I saw faces of people who did not have that name. My stomach became knotted. I hadn't thought of this in awhile. I read the words, "my children". I felt disgusted again.
I live in the house of the "not my kid". I have to think about how my dad has two other kids and I am not "his kid" either. I am so sick of it.
I am so tired of being the better person. I want to puke right now. I hate that I am made this way. I want to hate. I want to scream. I want to be evil. I want to be not me.
I am "not your kid". I am "not his kid". I am "no one's kid". I really do not give a flying fuck anymore. It is like, I have already lived this fucking chapter already, haven't I? Really? Seriously? Really?
Do I really still need to be pointed out as "not anyone's kid"? Does it still need to be THAT FUCKING OBVIOUS? I know it. I am pretty GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING SURE everyone who knows me knows it.
Do we have to relive this truth every living, waking, breathing moment of the mother fucking god-forsaken, shit-breathing, ass-fucking, stupid day of my life?
I cannot stand to see it anymore.
DAD, I do not want to know how fucking proud you are of both my siblings...shut the fuck up.
NOT MY DAD, I don't want to have it rubbed in my face that other people are your children but I am not.
I can't do it.
I CANNOT be anyone else other than who I am.
DAD, you left me. So fuck you.
OTHER DAD, I am me...so fuck me.
I spent my whole childhood trying to get someone to love me enough to keep me and not send me to another home. I cannot and will not and refuse to do it now.
Love me or fuck you.
Fuck me or love you.
I CANNOT.
I WILL NOT.
I am broken.
The pain is unreal. Imagine tearing your skin of everyday...Multiply that feeling by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I'm talking about...barely.
And now, I still have to do what I came to do...my mission. Show you my love...my goal. Because it is the only thing I know how to do. I wish I knew how to hate.
Then there was that thing that always happens. That thing that stops me and says, "Just what do you think you are doing??" It slapped me hard in the face. I looked at it hard and good. I tried to not pay too much attention to it. I had a goal. But it just stared me in the face. The weight became heavier and heavier AND HEAVIER a n d h e a v i e r A- N -D H-E-A-V-I-E-R...
I saw their name. I saw all their faces. I saw all their faces except mine. I saw faces of people who did not have that name. My stomach became knotted. I hadn't thought of this in awhile. I read the words, "my children". I felt disgusted again.
I live in the house of the "not my kid". I have to think about how my dad has two other kids and I am not "his kid" either. I am so sick of it.
I am so tired of being the better person. I want to puke right now. I hate that I am made this way. I want to hate. I want to scream. I want to be evil. I want to be not me.
I am "not your kid". I am "not his kid". I am "no one's kid". I really do not give a flying fuck anymore. It is like, I have already lived this fucking chapter already, haven't I? Really? Seriously? Really?
Do I really still need to be pointed out as "not anyone's kid"? Does it still need to be THAT FUCKING OBVIOUS? I know it. I am pretty GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING SURE everyone who knows me knows it.
Do we have to relive this truth every living, waking, breathing moment of the mother fucking god-forsaken, shit-breathing, ass-fucking, stupid day of my life?
I cannot stand to see it anymore.
DAD, I do not want to know how fucking proud you are of both my siblings...shut the fuck up.
NOT MY DAD, I don't want to have it rubbed in my face that other people are your children but I am not.
I can't do it.
I CANNOT be anyone else other than who I am.
DAD, you left me. So fuck you.
OTHER DAD, I am me...so fuck me.
I spent my whole childhood trying to get someone to love me enough to keep me and not send me to another home. I cannot and will not and refuse to do it now.
Love me or fuck you.
Fuck me or love you.
I CANNOT.
I WILL NOT.
I am broken.
The pain is unreal. Imagine tearing your skin of everyday...Multiply that feeling by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I'm talking about...barely.
And now, I still have to do what I came to do...my mission. Show you my love...my goal. Because it is the only thing I know how to do. I wish I knew how to hate.
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