Wanting, Waxing & Waning

I dream about it every night. I daydream about it every day. I think about when ever I look at Dean. I can conjer up the reality of a moment in my head at any given time. It can be so real that I can feel it inside. The longing for that touch. The earning for that breath in my ear. The NEED for that voice on the other end. I want that touch, that pull, that desire flowing under and through my skin. I want to remember what it feels like to catch my breath with someone's scent. I want to rub my face so deep into his skin that I am reborn in his existence. Skin. Lips. Smell. Breath. I want it all. I'm waxing. I'm waning.

Chronicles Of Life

I am definitely not who I used to be. Part of me is happy about it and another is sad and confused. Today, someone expressed disgust with the thought of touching me. Then the other referenced a shoe bouncing off of me. Although I am sure he meant it would be due to the rubber of the shoe, nothing rang louder in my head than the UGLY voice. When I hear his voice everything goes silent and I become numb. Numb from the thought of how that changes so many things I once knew to be true. Before I turned 21 I was vibrant and a tom boy. I was drop dead gorgeous and knew it. I had no problem getting a man, much less a date. My only problem was the abundance of men in my life and what to do with them all. Now, the man who fathered my child . . . The man who I made a father (27 hours of natural labor might I add) doesn't even have a genuine interest in me.

All We Are Is All Alone

Four years ago, I would of been completely torn up and unable to process normal life. Now, I notice it and at times it makes a tear well up but I analyze it more than live in it. I do not understand it nor will I ever. I have so many theories that it makes my head hurt not being able to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I am crying for freedom of this feeling. Emotions are about the strongest things we have. We own them, or maybe they own us.

If Only For A Day...

When I go to bed at night I don't have that end of the day feeling anymore. I don't feel comfortable. I feel anxious. I feel like there should be some thing I missed and then it would be the end of the day. The pain in my teeth and jaw are excruciating and I just feel like there is no end. Knuckles felt good on my head. It felt good to see his eyes look at me with love again. It seems like all these years have been one long day just hoping for some real unconditional love when the sun goes down. People are so interesting to me. I notice every detail. Sometimes I wonder if people can tell I am studying them. And lastly, superiority complex…WTF? I’m sorry but who do you think you are, seriously? If you put a gun to both our heads and pulled the trigger, we would both die the same way. We are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world. We are all from the same compost heap.

Clean That Up

It boggles me how anyone got anything done in the past. Just making dinner is about three chores within itself. What did people do before dishwashers? Before sinks even? I could not survive before vacuums or even a good broom. The cleaning products industry has bubbled over with new products and lines to the point where I am not sure any more if I am cleaning or if I am just putting harmful chemicals all over my house.

My World

In my world things are different. Sometimes they are complex and sometimes there are simple. Mostly things are different from everyone else. I can never compare myself to anyone simply because there is no chance anyone could ever exist as I exist. The thoughts are very loud.