Contacting The Dead

I want to contact the living. I am not sure I understand the role I have been given. My head speaks a language, that no one seems to understand. I have too much life, running through my veins, going to waste. Before I have arrived, I can see myself coming. I need to feel, real love and a life ever after. I cannot get enough.

*partially quoted and inspired by Robbie Williams*

Where We Belong...

From the earliest days, I've been dancing in the shadows. If you look under the willow trees, you will see me, dancing a jig or two, maybe three. I am pretty sure that I could live forever and still never completely understand the reasoning behind human actions and interactions. Where do we belong, if anywhere?

The New GOOD Job

I have been waiting for over a year for a job that would challenge me and let me utilize my managerial skills. I have been longing for a REAL job where people can be a team. A place where people took what they were doing seriously and took pride in what they did. Now I am going to do what I dreamed of. I am going to have the chance to show how much I am capable of.

Feeling Good

I am feeling good about today. It is funny, when you have people who care about you it makes things feel less defeating. Being lonely and depressed is the most powerful drug that exists. It is the one that comes before any of the illegal drugs. Thank you. Thank you for today.

Beyond My Control

Everything seems to be beyond my control right now. I have unanswered questions that are hanging life as I know it in the balance. I want to scream. I want to break. I want to crawl in a whole and bury myself. I am desperate and I do NOT like feeling this way. I need the calm sea. I need routine. I need stability. My ground is shaking. The little earthquakes have become HUGE earthquakes and I have not safety. I have to go face an ugly truth now...I have to do my best to not cry as I heard they are tired of my diamonds. Why am I here?

What I Want

Sometimes your world turns into something you never thought it could be. I used to think that interactions had to have certain key aspects. It kept me from seeing things as they truly were and it literally cost me one of the most important events in my life. We all know the stove will be hot, burn you and it will be painful. We know the cause and effect. But then if every time you touch the stove, you get burned without pain, it causes a larger problem for your mind.

Things are supposed to make sense.
I can see it. I can ALMOST feel it. I can imagine how things would be different. I want it so bad that sometimes it is all I can think about. I want another chance. I want things to be the way they should of ended up being. I need the reason that all of this has happened.

Today Is June 19, 2009

The words are so loud in my head. The past comes in loud waves of reality and suddenly I am back where I was years ago.

My dreams last night went back and forth from one want to another want. Want ONE and Want TWO.
I hate when I see other people's truths. When they come and stare at you in the face and no matter what, you are forced to deal with them.
It does not help that everyone's reality and perception are completely different in these situations.
I need the words. I need the expression. I need the WHOLE truth and nothing but the TRUTH, so help me GOD.