You never really know how deep you shove a painful memory or thought until one day it creeps up between the cracks and reminds you just how much hurt you have been carrying around.
Today it took a mere fifteen seconds to remind me of someone who I never think of anymore. The only person in my life who ever hurt me, truly. I don't know how I did it but I don't ever think about her. Sometimes her name comes up in a conversation but it is as if I am speaking of a passing thing to glance at on the side of the road. My mind does not give her any more thought. I know there was a moment when my soul, not my heart, but my soul, decided to her let go.
Pain is relative only because everyone has their limit. My limit went far and beyond what any child should ever be asked to bear. One day, there had been so much pain, my soul went numb and I began to forget she existed. If I had not made this choice, I might have faded out of existence myself. She remains a story I can recall by memory, like a movie I was forced to watch over and over again.
Once in a while I remember she was good sometimes, like today. Then for a small amount of time I let myself cry. But I want you to know I am not crying because I miss you. I am not crying because you did not love me. I am crying because I look at my daughter everyday and think how I cannot even write the words down to describe what it feels like to be her mom. I cry because you never had the chance to feel that depth of emotion in your soul and that meant you could never be a mom.
